Same ole rant, different year

Halloween is quickly approaching. Did you know that, after Christmas, Halloween is the second-most celebrated, decorated, money-making holiday? It holds this distinction, I’m guessing, because it’s so much fun. It’s fun to dress up. Kids love to play dress-up, as do most adults. Girls grow up wanting to be princesses, then brides, then focus on what to wear to various events. We love dressing up.

Then there is the candy. What is not to love about a holiday where you go door-to-door and get free chocolate? And word gets around as to which neighborhoods have the best candy, give full-sizes and offer the best variety in their treats. Some neighborhoods in Arab see kids “bussed in” to get the best of the best on October 31st.

Let’s get to my beef with this holiday: the costumes. I saw the Party City catalog in the paper last week and told my family that I may dress up for Halloween this year. I settled in at the kitchen table to peruse my options and my attitude went from green to yellow to red in about two pages.

Here is a small selection of costumes from which I can choose: Camo Cutie, Backdraft Babe, Out of Bounds, Don’t Touch My Cookie. The Camo Cutie is a camouflage leotard/miniskirt with a belt of bullets, fishnet hose and black thigh-high boots. Backdraft Babe is a white camisole with red suspenders going to a black miniskirt, fishnet stockings complete with garter belt, and black high-heeled boots. Out of Bounds is a referee-striped leotard with black spandex short-shorts, knee high socks and lace-up ankle boots that look like tennis shoes. Finally, Don’t Touch My Cookie is a scantily-clad Girl Scout-knock-off with green mini-dress, white thigh-high hose and stiletto heels.

Now, will someone please tell me why a woman’s only options are to dress as a tart, floozy, wench, hussy, strumpet or call girl? But let’s be fair and look at the description of a few of the costumes for men.

Whoopie Cushion. This is a life-sized pink, full-body-covering whoopie cushion (a.k.a. flatulence bag) with only hands and face showing. Banana. This is a full-sized yellow banana worn over a black sweat suit. Again, only face and hands are visible. Here’s a promising-sounded one: Party Animal. Alas, it’s a full-size monkey suit, complete with full mask, two pitchers of something that looks like beer and a sweatshirt that says, “Ultimate Party Animal”. The only costume I see that exposes anything is a boxing outfit, and it comes with a fake chest rippled with muscles. It appears that bad taste at least is covering up the wearer.

Most regrettably, this attitude is pervasive throughout the catalog. In the Girls’ section (ages 4 to teen), you can choose from Midnight Mischief, Feisty Fairy, Mummy Love and Devil Grrrl. Teen girls carry the torch with Midnight Vamp, Gothic Temptress and Dark Dollie. Only when they are toddlers can they be Dora the Explorer, Rose Princess or fully-clothed Supergirl. That’s before society tells our females to start dressing like skanks.

It’s time to take a stand! Women, you would not wear these trashy outfits unless you worked with a stripper pole, so why do it now? Is it that we all would love to dress like harlots, and Halloween is the perfect excuse?? I think not! Nor do I want to see men dressed as food, whoopie cushions, M&Ms (even if it's with nuts) or oil cans where the spout protrudes from his ... well, YOU know where.

What happened to couples dressing as Raggedy Ann and Andy, Anthony and Cleopatra, Mustard and Ketchup? Why can’t our kids dress as a clump of grapes, baskets of laundry, and 50’s sock hop teens? I don’t like the way this is going at all, and ask you to be mindful as you dress you and yours this month. I think I will just go to the store, buy myself a bag of candy and stay home.