May Article: Now where's that tin foil....?

“What are you thinking?” “Penny for your thoughts.”


The four most dreaded words in any relationship, presented here in two forms.

Men cringe when they hear their girlfriend say this to them. I say ‘girlfriend’ because most wives either know what their husbands are thinking or don’t especially want to know what they’re thinking.

Of course, the correct answer is, “I was just thinking of how much I adore you and how much better my life is with you in it.”

Most of the time, however, it’s something like, “I was thinking about that awesome touchdown pass I caught in high school in 1985”, or “I was thinking that a sandwich made with ham, macaroni and cheese and jalapenos would be the best ever.”

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could read people’s minds? While it sounds appealing on the surface, I don’t think my skin is thick enough to handle it. And I am sure most of the population is no different. I don’t really want to know what you are thinking unless it’s positive, constructive, kind, or at least beneficial. I would caution a guess that most of our thoughts of none of these.

Remember the movie “What Women Want” with Helen Hunt and Mel Gibson? It’s about a male chauvinist who has an accident resulting in him being able to read the minds of women. He uses this ‘advantage’ to take advantage of women, steal their ideas at work, and eventually get his female boss fired. At the very end, he has a bit of guilt about this trickery just before he loses the ability. Of course, it’s Hollywood, and even though he has been a cad for 120 minutes, he still gets the girl in the end.

Listening to National Public Radio this week, I heard of a device that will eventually be able to decode thoughts. That is good for paraplegics, who may be able to move robotic arms to make life easier. However, if you want to hear my inner monologue, no thanks. Sometimes my thoughts make me laugh out loud, but I prefer to keep that to an audience of one: me.

It should be no surprise that there is a huge difference in thoughts and speech. If I ask you how you like my new haircut and you hate it, I expect that your brain will filter this response a bit so you can be a little more … sensitive to my very delicate feelings. You may decided to say nothing at all, which is fine, too. Your body language has already answered my question, anyway. That’s a whole different topic.

It’s a bit scary to think that science is getting closer to being able to decipher brain waves into words. Not that I think terrible thoughts all the time, mind you. However, I think we can all agree that when we were stuck in the house recently with no power with our families, extended families, friends and neighbors, we are pretty darned glad that no one could read our minds. (I heard many call it “great family time”…I could have used a few muzzles after day five.)

All-in-all, I am not sure the benefits of the altruistic uses of this technology would outweigh the selfish abuses that would inevitably follow. I find myself forming conspiracy theories already.

I’m going to follow some advice I saw on the internet and make myself an aluminum foil hat.