Parental Protection

Parental protection is overrated, overused, and (for the most part) not necessary. Aside from letting your toddler totter into the street, let's assume a bit of an older child for my narrative today.

When I was wee, I read a story of a butterfly that made an impression on me. It's an old story about the challenges of life.

There’s a story attributed to Henry Miller, the writer, about a little boy in India who went up to a guru who was sitting and looking at something in his hand. The little boy went up and looked at it. He didn’t quite understand what it was, so he asked the guru, "What is that?"

"It’s a cocoon," answered the guru, "Inside the cocoon is a butterfly. Soon the cocoon is going to split, and the butterfly will come out."

"Could I have it?" asked the little boy.

"Yes," said the guru, "but you must promise me that when the cocoon splits and the butterfly starts to come out and is beating it’s wings to get out of the cocoon, you won’t help it. It is important not to help the butterfly by breaking the cocoon apart. It must do it on it’s own."

The little boy promised, took the cocoon, and went home with it. He then sat and watched it. He saw it begin to vibrate and move and quiver, and finally the cocoon split in half. Inside was a beautiful damp butterfly, frantically beating its wings against the cocoon, trying to get out and not seeming to be able to do it. The little boy desperately wanted to help. Finally, he gave in, and pushed the two halves of the cocoon apart. The butterfly sprang out, but as soon as it got out, it fell to the ground and was dead. The little boy picked up the dead butterfly and in tears went back to the guru and showed it to him.

"Little boy," said the guru, "You pushed open the cocoon, didn’t you?"

"Yes," said the little boy, "I did."

The guru spoke to him gravely, "You don’t understand. You didn’t understand what you were doing. When the butterfly comes out of the cocoon, the only way he can strengthen it’s wings is by beating them against the cocoon. It beats against the cocoon so it’s muscles will grow strong. When you helped it, you prevented it from developing the muscles it would need to survive."

So, that beautifully summarizes for all parents that we need to back off our kids and let them struggle through life a little. It builds their muscles, their character, their stamina. It gives them wisdom, discernment and compassion. It makes them grateful, merciful and generous.

There was a bully at school who was picking on Chase a few years ago. I called his dad to talk to him about it, and confronted the boy at the soccer field, telling him to leave Chase alone. I was firm, but not harsh, but it really hurt his feelings and he cried to his mom. Well, she got involved, too, of course. Just like I had gotten involved. In the end, he and Chase ended up buds, and the only bully around was ... ME!

As a child gets older, that aging parent continues the need/desire to protect, even when the child herself becomes a parent. You read about this over and over with grandparents and parents butting heads over child rearing philosophies. This protection turns out to look more like meddling for the adult child. My friends tell me often of their moms saying things like, "Don't you think he needs a haircut?", "Did you let her wear that to school today?", and "the kids are in too many activities - they don't have time to play."

All of this is well meaning, but as the old proverb says, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It's best to stay out of it. Let your kids figure out their own way, which may or may not be your way. You've already had a chance to pave your way. Yes, they will make mistakes and it will be painful to watch, but as they grow, you should become more of a spectator on their journey and not the guide. Be ready when they reach out a hand and ask for help, but resist the urge to grab their arm and pull them onto a different path.

Have you ever been driving when the passenger grabs the dash or puts their foot out in the floorboard, like they are pressing the brake? It's irritating if it happens over and over, like a backseat driver is irritation. Giving unsolicited advice or getting involved when it doesn't involve you is the same way. And there is no, "Well, that's my child, so I am involved." Nope. Doesn't work that way, especially if he is old enough to make the decision himself, and reap the consequences of that particular path.

So, let go, be quiet and watch in amazement as your child learns how to navigate, and be proud of the person he is becoming.